Online Host: Welcome to Relationship School on Oprah Online! Does it seem that you're so busy working, raising a family and trying to get ahead that you don't have the time or energy to put into your relationships? Do you and your partner sometimes feel more like roommates than lovers? Our guest is renowned love expert and bestselling author, Dr. Barbara DeAngelis! You've come to the right place!
Barbara DeAngelis' previous bestsellers include "How to Make Love All the Time," "Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know," "Are You the One for Me?" and the current bestseller, "Real Moments" about creating more real moments of meaning in every area of your life. Are you feeling empty or misunderstood? Send your questions now using the Interact Icon.
Welcome Barbara DeAngelis!
Question: How can I get my husband to just listen and HEAR ME?
Barbara DeAngelis: The first thing to understand about men is that there are times that they can hear us better than others. Since I am a woman who loves to talk all the time, I used to ignore the warning signs that he wasn't listening and I would talk anyway. Example: men hate talking about touchy issues late at night. They are tired, their defenses are down, they are not thinking clearly and they feel out of control. That is, of course, why we women go in for the kill! Try the technique of informing him you have something to discuss, letting him know generally what the topic is, telling him about how long you think it will take and then asking when he thinks a good time will be. That lets him know what to expect, what you want from him, and will make him feel less attacked and out of control.
Question: I saw the show today. Is it always men who are unaware of their lack of affection or do you hear from men complaining about their wives also?
Barbara DeAngelis: Yes, I definitely hear the reverse of the stereotype where a very emotional, open man is with a less affectionate, closed woman! Our love style has a lot to do with the choices we made growing up and the relationship we saw between our parents. Gender may, but doesn't always, have something to do with it.
Question: How do you get your husband to separate sex from love and get him to quit attaching the guilt to the sex?
Barbara DeAngelis: I assume you are saying you want more love without it always having to be sexual. Here are a few things to know about men. Often when men feel a lot of "love energy" building up inside them, the only way they know how to release it is through sex. Their avenues for expressing it with words, emotional connections or unconditional love may not be as well used as their wives. It is as if they think, "I feel a surge of love for her, now it is time to have sex." It also may be easier for him to get into bed, rather than actually talking about how he feels. This same rule deals with how men deal with tension. If he feels tense about his work, or is worried about something, he may use sex as a release for that tension, and of course that leaves you feeling used. My advice to couples is this: (explained in detail in my book "Secrets about Men") if he is willing to MAKE LOVE to you (not just in the sexual sense) more often, then you should be willing to have SEX with him (quickies, less foreplay, just satisfying him, etc.)more often. There is something exciting to a man about his wife just wanting him once in awhile - - it evens the playing field. Discuss this all with your husband. Good luck to you!
Question: My wife has difficulty discussing sex. How can I help her to open up?
Barbara DeAngelis: The first step is to understand the source of her difficulty. It could be that she was the victim of some type of sexual abuse and therefore feels some shame about sex. It could be that she comes from a strict, non-communicative house or family where they didn't talk about "such things." It could be that she is afraid that some of what she might say will hurt your feelings or embarrass you in some way or make her feel inadequate. You job is to gently bring these possibilities up, notice her reactions and try to probe a little deeper in the areas that seem sensitive to her. Reassure her that no matter what she says, feels or asks for, you are totally open and will accept her and love her.
Question: Loved the show today! Was all of today's Romance 101 classroom information from the book "Real Moments?"
Barbara DeAngelis: Thanks for the compliment! A lot of the information was from the book. Some of it was from my "Making Love Work at Home" seminar that you may have seen on my infomercial. It's a video and audio workshop on creating a lasting and passionate relationship. In fact, I credit the information in "Making Love Work" with my FINALLY finding a wonderful husband and having the relationship that we do. In my opinion, the at home seminar combined with "Real Moments" creativity is the ultimate cure for relationships problems. If you want more information call (800) 682-LOVE. That is also how you can reach me! Happy wedding to you!
Question: Hi, I am a 42 yr. old divorced woman. I have been single for the last 12 years and do not seem to be able to keep a relationship for more than 3 years. Also, the men I seem to gravitate to are more interested in their needs than mine. I just keep picking the wrong guy and I am almost ready to admit defeat. Any suggestions?
Barbara DeAngelis: Yes! Run to the bookstore and pick up a copy of my third book "Are You the One for Me?" You will not be able to put it down. It is about knowing who is right, avoiding who is wrong, and figuring out why you keep attracting the wrong people. I can't tell you how many hundreds of thousands of people have used this book to finally find the right person, INCLUDING ME! Your instincts are right -- it is no accident you keep choosing the same type of person -- but don't give up on yourself. With the right information, you can find the love you've been seeking.
Question: How do you know when to let your spouse work things out on his own or when he just doesn't want to share what's bothering him at the time? Is it OK to just leave him be until he is ready to talk or should I lovingly attempt to drag it out of him?
Barbara DeAngelis: The answer lies in between your two options. You're right - sometimes men need time to "mull" over their feelings before being able to verbalize them. However, time does not means months and years - it means hours or maybe a day! Part of the problem is that sometimes men don't know how to find the words for what they are feeling. When you ask them what is wrong, they say, "I don't know" or "nothing." So, if your husband NEVER shares his inner world - you need to have a serious talk or get some help. You may also want to try and sit down together and come up with some agreements about how he wants you to handle this. For example: He may get a 6 hour time period to be in a funk, but at the end of that time you are allowed to say SNAP OUT OF IT! The two of you must come up with your own rules. Try this and see if it works!
Question: What do you do when you're a night person and he is a morning person?
Barbara DeAngelis: Meet in the afternoon!
Question: Hi Dr. DeAngelis -- my favorite book of yours is, "Are You the One For Me?" It helped me end a destructive relationship and gain a healthy one. My question: my sweetie does not treat occasions very important--even though I've told him how important they are!
Barbara DeAngelis: Thanks for the compliment! It sounds like you may need to go back and re-read the book and do the exercises. Having a similar "love style" is one of the 10 areas of compatibility you need to have. If he KNOWS this is important to you and still won't do it, he may be a "commitment rebel" -- just because you want him to, he refuses. Make sure you check out this rebellious tendency before getting too much deeper into the relationship.
Question: My husband just told me that he has been having an affair. He doesn't know if he wants to try to make our marriage work based on the "fact" that he feels we got married too young and he never had a chance to "date around". Any advice would help.
Barbara DeAngelis: I know you are in shock and pain and I am glad you reached out. Your first step is to take the control back in the relationship. That means to get him out of the house. It's humiliating enough that he cheated, let alone sitting around waiting for him to "decide" if he wants to work on it. Tell him YOU need time and space to decide if you would even be willing to take him back. An affair is just a symptom of much bigger problems in a relationship. Ending the affair is not the solution, it is just the beginning of a long, hard road to healing the marriage that was already broken. Forget for a moment that he "rejected" you. Do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if he's been giving you everything you need, if he has been treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and evaluate the marriage from your end. If you can put aside your fear of abandonment and your ego and honor yourself as a woman, enough to really examine the marriage, you may be surprised at the answers you'll find. Make sure to get support from friends you respect. In time, the right decision will be revealed to you. I'm sending you love.
Question: Do you address any issues for same-sex couples? If so, what?
Barbara DeAngelis: I'm really glad you asked. I treat same sex couples the same way I treat any couple. I do not make distinctions or put a judgment on love based on the gender of the lovers. All my books and seminars apply to gays as well as straights.
Question: How do you discuss lack of desire without hurting your mate's feelings or ego?
Barbara DeAngelis: You don't. What I mean is, of course you'll hurt their ego and feelings! Its like saying, "How do I tell my wife I hate her dress?" without hurting her feelings. Does that mean you should back what you feel? No! Just don't be surprised when they are hurt. They will get over it when you explain that you are saying these things because you WANT to feel more passion and attraction like you used to. I could spend hours talking about the reasons for the loss of desire, but it is almost always due to "emotional tension" that is built up between people and/or suppressed feelings that you are not talking about. (See my above answer to at home seminar making love work - it deals with this also.)
Question: I need help. I am in love with a guy who lives 2000 miles away. Do you have any tips on how to make the relationship last? Thank you.
Barbara DeAngelis: See my chapter on "Compatibility Time Bombs" in "Are You the One for Me?"
Question: How do you make time for each other when you have two kids, one who is nursing and you never get a long period of time together? There's no such thing as romance anymore for us.
Barbara DeAngelis: Have you heard of the breast pump? Pump away, get a baby-sitter, give them the bottles and go in the other room or a motel and have fun!
Question: What is the best way to get my wife fun and happy mood?
Barbara DeAngelis: Well, I don't know your wife, but I can tell you some tricks that work for most women. As I said on the show today, women love words. Words from our love make us happy! Write her a beautiful love letter. Make your own top ten list of things you love about her, or find some other way to turn her on in her head first and you will find the rest of her body follows!
Question: Hello, I have seen your infomercial on cable many times, however, when I have attempted to call the phone number I have been unable to get through. We need help. We love each other very much but have fallen into the daily routine syndrome!! Help!!!
Barbara DeAngelis: I am giving you a different # from the one on TV. It is my own office where my secretary sends these out every day! I guarantee that if you call (800) 682-LOVE you will get a quick response! Keep trying if it is busy since I was on Oprah today. :) Don't forget to check out "Real Moments." It will inspire you to remember what is really important in life.
Barbara DeAngelis: Thanks for all your great questions! I hope you enjoyed the show today! What you didn't see on camera were the hours I spent with each couple and with each of the men, teaching them some basic love techniques from "Real Moments" and "Making Love Work." Love that is magnificent takes work and time, but it is really worth it! I am sending you all lots of love! Thanks!
Online Host: Thanks for joining us here tonight! We hope this discussion can help you to bring the love and fulfillment you deserve into your life. We thank Dr. Barbara DeAngelis for being here. Her latest book is called, "Real Moments." Have a great night everyone! Goodnight from Harpo Studios!
